the unmarried thirty year old

my town is the only town in America with an apostraphy in it...
coeur d'alene....
it means "heart of the awl"....or aul....or somthing ...
well it's french in origin...
an awl is ... kind of... a wood carving instrument... the heart of the awl is the tip...
a very sharp instrument....
with a very sharp tip....
my town is beautiful... there is a huge warm lake...
a fun downtown.... and scenery like you wouldn't believe....
when i moved here i remember hating it... i drove into this town off of the freeway just outside it... it looked ugly to me... and dead... it was nothing like my home...
although it was mid november ... and the sky was grey.... i just couldn't stop focusing on my home...
i entered my new house... it was tan... the grass was dead and cold... covered in a thin layer of snow... i hated it ...
i went to school.. no one here understood... they didn't care... so i switched schools... the only comfort i had was my old phone book... i could call anyone in that book and expect a good talk... a nice embrace from the past... and an "i miss you" to top it all off...
the winter went by and the spring came ....
the flowers bloomed and a new world was born...
the sudden change startled me... and i fell in love with a new place... i walked the streets in my trunks... talked to cute girls... swam in the deep blue water... and realized... how different i became... it was a bright summer morning ... i tied up my shorts and grabbed a t-shirt... i walked to the mirror in my bathroom... and, before putting on my shirt... noticed i was starting a tan... my skin looked healthy,and i smiled.. i looked in the mirror at the smilling boy... who wasn't there... in his place was a man... a man that no one, but me, noticed grew up... i was pleased with the way his shoulders seemed to be broader ... his muscles larger... after that day... i met my future... a few short weeks later i went back to my old town... expecting things to be the same... but they were not... my old group of friends didn't hang out anymore... my old home seemed dead and grey... the girls didn't kiss the same way they kissed on those dark summer nights ... and no one noticed what i had become... not even my closest friends... i went home and wrote these words down....
"i am a stronger man than when i left,
i have learned to stand up for what i believe,
and remain standing in great times of adversity,
you wouldn't recognize me if i came back,
and that's why i'm not going to..."
it's true ... those words i wrote... i really believe them in my head... but ... in my heart... i can't change the way i feel... i wish i could just do what i know is right.... but there will always be a hope for the day when i turn thirty...